HOPE

Katulad ng iyong pangalan umasa ka sa pag-asa na
Maaari kang yakapin ng lantay na pag-ibig
Na baka sakaling mauwi ang mga palihim na tagpuan at suyuan
Sa isang matamis na pagtatapos
katulad ng lagi nating nababasa
Sa mga wakasang nobela at komiks

Katulad ng iyong pangalan, kumapit ka sa pag-aakalang mapagbigay
Ang dampi ng pag-asa, ang bulsa ng kapalaran sa mga katulad mong
Naghahanap, lumalaban para sa sariling espasyo at kahalagahan sa tila
Walang katuturang ikot ng mundo

Katulad ng iyong pangalan,
pilit kang nagpumilit na baka sana, siguro, maaari
at nagtatanong bakit naman kaya hindi?

Pero hindi mabait ang kapalaran sa madaming pagkakataon
At ang matapang mong pag-ibig ay hinusgahan at kinutya
Ang iyong pagtitimpi at sakripisyo ay hinamak at paulit-ulit na
Pinaglaruan sa artipisyal na pagsusuri ng midya at bulaang tsismisan
Ang iyong matiponong iniirog ay iniwan kang nag-iisa,
Itinakwil, pinagtulakan, inaalay sa mga buwitre at pinasinungalingan.

Ngayon, ikaw ay nag-iisa,
sadyang pinagtutulungan ng lahat
Pinagpipiyestahan ng lahat
Binansagan, minaliit at pinagtatawanan
Mismong tawing mong pag-asa ay tila nilayasan ka at pinagtaguan
Ikaw o Pag-asa, na ang tanging kasalanan ay umibig ng matapang.

Ngunit sino nga ba ang tunay na pokpok at kaladkarin?
Ikaw ba na ang tanging nais lamang ay lumigaya at mahalin?
Ikaw ba na nangahas na basagin ang mitos ng moralidad ng bugaw na lipunang ito
At sadyang ipagdiwang kung ano talaga ang pag-ibig
Labas sa mga nakagisnang depenisyon,
Parametro,
Limitasyon
At tradisyon?

O baka naman sila ang tunay na may bahid ng putik?
Ang mga duwag at uhugin na hindi kayang umalpas at
bumasag ng mga masisikip na konsepto ng pagmamahalan,
Ang mga nagba-banal-banalan at pagod na mga purista,
Ang milyon-milyong kaladkarin na mas may panahon pa
sa mga buhay ng artista at basketbolista kaysa sa kanilang tunay na panlipunang suliranin.

O Pag-asa, marami silang sinasabi,
Kay dami nilang mga gawi
May lason sa kanilang mga labi
Ngunit ‘di hamak, sa katotohanan
mas marami kang binabali…


Pebrero 2007

Gunita

May mga bagay na hindi kayang burahin
Ng nayayamot na panahon
Hindi kayang ibaon sa baul ng pagkalimot
May mga hapdi araw-araw
Dayap ang kapanalig
May mga peklat
Dumudugo ng tahimik.

Kagaya mo multo ka ng aking alaala
Ilang beses na kitang pinalayas
Ngunit nandito ka pa rin at nagwawala
Sinakop ang bawat kanto, tuldok ng aking gunita
At ako’y nakikiusap
Nakikiraan
Patabi-tabi
Na baka pwedeng mamasyal sa nakaraan
Ng hindi ka laging sumisilip.

Nasaktan nga kita
Labis pa sa paulit-ulit
Bumitiw ako, napagod
Ngayon tila ako ang tumitirik
Sa paahon na kalsada
Bumibigat sa patutsada
Ng mga maling paghihinala
Baluktot na pag-aakala
Ngayon ikaw ay wala na
Naririyan ngunit tila wala na
At dahil dito, ako rin ay wala na.

Janica

Mahal ngayon ako ay hinahabi ng gabi
karayom at sinulid na pilit pinagsasama ng panahon
katulad ng tula ko sa iyo hindi ko alam kung saan
binurda, kung saan tinahi
ang alam ko lang uumagahin ako sa
pagreretaso ng iyong mukha at alaala.

Ako ang mananahi ng lahat ng lungkot
patuloy na patiwakal sa ugong
ng ating mundo
ikaw ang kamay na sumusuklay sa hangin
lantarang walang kibo
tulala sa lundo ng...

ewan ko
basta
ang nararamdaman ko lang ay
inaantok na ako
ngunit mamaya siya ay lilisan din
ngunit ikaw ay huwag sana
dahil
ikaw
na
lang
wala
ng iba

Dreaming of Green

You are creation’s color painted in my self-imaginings
Celebrated in a dream sequence of cut and paste realities
From previous pages of known boxed worlds.

You are a rockstar
Envy of walking spotlights and big stages
Making long lines only to transform them into a beautiful mob
Them building a temple
Them building a pedestal
Them building an altar
For you divine deity
Exquisite rabble-rouser
When all you sincerely want is the embrace and the tempest of the open sea.

You are more than a thought
For thoughts are forgotten or shelved intended for another time.
You defy time, space and constraints
You are my most pleasant anomaly
Burying the old with your quick-paced wit
Unmatched
Stuff of legend.

You are a shooting star (and I am the tail)
Profound
Perfect and yet fleeting…
I used to dream of forever when all I really need is a moment
My self-being is complete and yet lacking.
You are.
And my words are desperate in deciphering you.
In my dreams I am blissfully drowning in evergreen.
Posted: June 9, 2006

>I< Revisited

I am writing this thing because i terribly miss you.
Miss you in ways my heart cannot endure. i see beauty
in a country full of lovely people and yet i cant help
but think about you, write you in this great distance,
search for your soul and clarity in this sea of great
severance, want you and crave for you again and again.

Yes you are right,India is a very beautiful place.

But nothing compares to you, nothing surpasses your
rhyme. If your heart is a lovely continent, a lost
country of beauty and grace, ill go back again maybe 
even settle there. Stay there not because i want to
take over the affairs and beatings of your heart nor
to treat it like a conquest suffered by many nations
colonized.

I want to settle and dwell in your heart because i beg
for the nourishment of your sweet escape, to inherent
your time even if it is temporal, and lastly humbly
love you, love you and love you.  

My heart is like Calcutta and Mumbai. We share the
same beggars, we share the same want, needs and alms.
We share the same longing and waiting. The beggars of
Calcutta and mumbai want their lives and dignity back,
while me, I want your light like how moths fall in 
love with fireflies. I long for your you, yes you,
woman of countless words.

I crave. I search and search for the captivating
redemption of your closet heart.Taking you away from
me is like taking away a very important piece of me,
its like taking away a large part of me. 

I miss you very much and India greatly understands.



last night it rained.
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Then i remembered you. I remember you and your small
and fragile hands. So small raindrops will wither in
envy.... so fragile, music of butterflies.

Butterfly

I saw you last night in my dreams. You are the same radiant and beautiful soul that profoundly roams this barren and desolate world. The same woman I held once with in the cold night of Sagada. You possess those fragile hands, those deep penetrating eyes that are subject of my many poems about you. I saw you last night in my dreams and it pains me in such sweet abandon to know that you occupy my mind even the remoteness of my seldom imaginings.

Why is it that I cannot exorcise you and your face from myself? Why is it you keep on coming back like a tired black and white film? Why is that I desire you and your presence even if I know that it will take me to the end of all life even time itself just to be granted with that wish?

And yet I am still here consumed by your memory, burning with your fragrance, sometimes from a distance often without remorse. You haunt me more than restless souls will, lurking and drilling my dismal heart as if searching for things, for eroded memories I have long ago kept deep in my fleeting soul.

I thought it was just a sudden surge of feelings in a very cold and beautiful place. Good conversation, meeting of some sorts. But I was wrong. Now I know the answers. I found in that unfathomable place a special thing, the gift of the union of hearts locked in the sweet air of our breath… even if it is ephemeral, it is true and honest love. The right love at the right place but at the wrong time you said. But what is time compared to this? Love like time when properly defined loses its meaning, its purpose and logic.

Why am I doing this? You’re taken like you always say. Did I come in late? I know you feel the same. Strongly you said but certain things hinder you from letting it soar. Free without the usual boxes, labels and excuses. Then why am I like this? Why am I feeling this?

Hope. Like what I said to you before, hope the perpetual and radical optimist. Hope, the quixotic friend of love lost and wanderers. Hope even in the certainty of failure, of defeat. You asked, what would you do if you know that you will not fail? I countered back with the question, what would I do if I know I will?

I already told you the answer. That’s why I’m doing this. Ready to suffer the consequences like how a moth seeks the burning flame of redemption. I want you. To be away from you is like taking away the air I consume to live.

One thing is for sure… I realized through countless reflections that I really want you, even love you. Love you like how saints and martyrs have shown the way. Love you as if I am running out of air to breathe, of life to live, of time to exist.

Lastly, I admire you not just because of aesthetic and physical reasons but because in you I can share thoroughly my passion, my beliefs, convictions and sadness. I truly admired your sorrow and sadness for a beautiful country ravaged and robbed by its own people. Your sometimes disillusionment to our cause because it genuinely reflects how honestly you care and love our people.

Words are never enough to capture you. But I am writing with utmost sincerity, honesty and unsullied intentions. I write this not in haste, nor to rush you at things. I write this because it must be written and it belongs to you.

sashaninel 2003

Bagahe

Lubusang bagahe ang iyong mga alaala sa akin. Halos makuba ako sa pagbibitbit ng mga dalahing ito ngunit patuloy ang aking pagkarga, patuloy ang pagdala ko sa iyo. Male-maleta ng iyong nakaraan ang aking araw-araw na dinadala. Sa mga makikipot na daan na minsan lamang dapuan ng liwanag, sa mga eskinitang tinambayan ng aking lungkot at pagdurusa, sa mga kalsadang inaspalto ng luha, pagod at kawalan ng pag-asa, sa mga baku-bakong lansangang madalas ko tirikan. Dito,dito kita pilit tinatawid.

Madalas, gusto na kita iwan, madalas gusto na kita itapon sa mga matatarik na bangin ng pagkalimot, madalas gusto na kita ibaon sa aking baul at ilibing ito sa kinakalawang kong puso, ngunit ikaw ang tipo ng bagaheng hindi ko maisantabi, maiwan at maitapon.

Hanggang kailan kaya kita papasanin, hanggang kailan ka kaya manunukso ng mga baka at posibilidad sa aking naghihingalong pagsusuma, kung may pag-asa pa nga ba tayo? Male-maleta ang iyong nakaraan na umiikot sa aking gunita, kahon-kahon ang ating mga away at hindi matapos na paalam sa isa’t isa.

Alam ko ganito ka rin dati. Naglalakad ng nakayuko, halos mabali ang mga buto sa mabibigat na pasanin. Ngunit sabi mo nga ikaw ay lubusang masaya na, sa ganyan, walang hinahanap, walang ginugusto, walang hinihintay.

Bakit ba tayo umabot sa ganito? Sino ang makakapagsabi na magpapalitan tayo ng mga mala-punyal na salitang hindi natin alam kung saan hinugot, na magbibigayan tayo ng sakit at pighati at sa dulo halos pumasan ng mga kabundok na pasanin at bagahe na ‘di nagpapatulog sa atin sa maraming gabi?

Mahal na mahal pa rin kita. Ngunit baka tama ka nga na malamang hindi na rin sasapat ang mga ito. Wala na siguro sasapat. Wala ng makakahatid sa atin sa pampang upang maging tulad ng dati.

Naiisip parin kita. Naluluha pa rin ako sa mag paulit-ulit na bangungot ng ating nakaraan. Hanggang kailan kaya kita papasanin? Hanggang kailan kaya kita titiisin?

Ikaw ang aking pinakamasaya, pinakamaganda at pinakamalungkot na bagahe at alaala.

Nakakakuba magmahal at ang pagtatangkang lumimot…

sashaninel feb2007

Lubusan at Matapang

Kung ikaw ay iibig at lulundag sa bangin ng alinlangan
Kung ikaw ay titindig sa banta ng kawalang kasiguraduhan
Kung ikaw ay haharap at susugod sa libong hanay ng pasakit
Tandaan lamang…

Umibig ng lubusan
Walang pagkukulang
Lahat-lahat
Sunugan
Wasakan
Ubusan

Umibig ng matapang
Walang pagdududa
Walang takot
Walang alinlangan
At buo ang pananalig

Dahil baka ika’y magtagumpay
Baka ikaw ay mangingibabaw
Baka makuha ang inaasam-asam
Baka mahawakan ang kanyang mga kamay na kay tagal tinago
Ng mga nakasanayang ritwal ng suyuan at habulan
Baka masulyapan ang kanyang mapapanglaw na mata
Na lagi rin pala nakamasid sa iyo.

Ngunit alalahanin din na maaari kang mabigo
Matalo
Mapuksa ng isang libong beses ngunit walang pangako ng pagkamatay
Masaktan ng labis labis
Mapaatras at magupo
Lumuha at lumuha pa ulit

Sa lahat ng iibig ng lubusan at matapang
Ang akin lamang munting alay ay ang mainit na pagsalubong
Sa inyo tunay na mga mandirigma ng buhay at kawalang katiyakan
Ang aking payak na alay ay ang aking lamesa
Latagan ng mga bote ng serbesa sa inyong tagumpay at kabiguan
Sa inyong mga kwento ng tila muling pagsilang at kamatayan
Ng mga luha at ngiti
Ng saya, pait at pighati.

sashaninel june 22 2006

Pag-ibig ng Isang Insomniac

Kusang lumalalim ang gabi kahit walang tagahukay
sinisilip ang takipsilim ng umagang hindi dumarating
ayaw dapuan ng antok
ni minsan hindi kumakatok
sa mga katulad kong minumulto
ng mga lumipas sa lahat ng sulok.

Bakit hindi mo lisanin ang matandain kong alaala?
Bakit ayaw mo ako ihatid sa pampang ng umaga?
Bakit hindi kita malimot
dalawang taon na rin akong binabangungot
ng mga ‘di-makaligtaang nakaraan
mga alaalang walang libingan
ang iyong mukha at pangalan
aking mga tula hindi lang minsan.

Sadya bang ganito ang mga sinumpang sumpaan?
Ang puso ko ay malaya ngunit bilanggo sa iyong piitan
Naiisip mo ba ako
sumasagi, natatanto?
Dahil ikaw ay palagi
madalas hinahabi
tinatahi ng aking isip at puso kong tumitigil
ang iyong bawat sandali
nakalipas at pagkukusa
lubos at ganap kong kamalayan
diwa ng tumatakas na pagmamahalan.

Marahil ikaw ay nahihimbing na
payapa ang piling
walang alintana
walang bagahe
hindi tulad ko
tunay na madami

Ang pinakamasakit ay hindi mo malaman
na hanggang ngayon ikaw ang laman ng tumatakas kong ulirat
katinuang hindi sumasapat
kay hirap mong lisanin
patiwakal kung gagawin
ngunit saan kita dadalhin
saan kita hahanapin?

Sabi mo, ang pag-ibig muling kumakatok
Ang sabi ko, ngayong gabi ang tanging nais ko ay yakap
at haplos ng antok.

030804

Ladybug

I saw you last night
Walking while making heads turn
How long has it been?
Since we exchange empty glances that cut us to bits of puzzle.
I try hard to pick up the pieces
But you threw me hard
Now I’m falling like worn-out confetti in filthy rich Makati.

I hang on your parties
More miserable than a wallflower
I envy the waiters and the parking attendants
People sought their attention
While I am desperately wanting a speck of existence.

You ignore me and sometimes I’m quite happy with it
I’m being sent off by a deity
Though not perfect
More than mortally enough.

But often I am forlorn.

December 2004 Alex Grill

Ladybug

Nakita kita kagabi
Naglalakad habang binabali ang mga leeg ng mga ulong umiikot
Sa pagtingin sa iyo
Gaano na ba katagal noong huli tayong nagpapalitan ng mga
Blankong sulyapan na hinihiwa tayo sa mga maliliit na piraso ng palaisipan?
Pinipilit kong pulutin ang mga piraso
Ngayon ako ay tila nahuhulog na parang isang bantulot na papel
Sa kahabaan ng marangyang Makati.

Madalas ako sa iyong mga piging
Ngunit mas madalas masahol pa akong nalulungkot kaysa sa lungkot.
Pinagseselosan ko ang mga weyter at mga parking boy
Mas hinahanap ng mga tao ang kanilang atensyon
Samantalang ako nagpupumilit na makahanap ng malapulbos na pagkilala
Kahit tungo mula sa iyo.

Hindi mo ako pinapansin at minsan
Masaya na rin ako
Masaya dahil ako ay tinataboy ng isang diyosa
Bagama’t hindi perpekto
Sapat na sa mundo.

Ngunit kadalasan, ako ang lungkot.

Pedestrian

We pass by each other
My shadow reluctant
Your silhouette brave
We were former “ex-strangers”
Now we are worse than this mess
Each day
More beautiful you
While mine
Whiffs of nothing new.

We pass each other
Careful not to bump each others’ shoulders, elbows
And constraints
Trying hard not to scatter our
Unsettled settlements
Unlike our arguments
Found in every place, corner of your house.

We pass by each other
Full-time snobs yet very pedestrian
But the glances
The concealed glances
At least there’s something we still share
Haunt us
Betray us
Tire us
Make us transparent.

070904

Dinadaanan Natin ang Bawat Isa

Dinadaanan natin ang bawat isa
Ang anino ko atubili
Ang aninag mo matapang
Tayo ay mga dating ‘di magkakilalang estranghero
Ngayon tila mas masahol pa tayo sa gulo na ito
Bawat araw
Lubhang magandang ikaw
Samantalang ako
Mahihinang ihip ng walang pagbabago.

Dinadaanan natin ang bawat isa
Maingat na hindi natin mabangga ang mga balikat, siko
At pagpipigil ng bawat isa
Pinagsusumikapang hindi natin maikalat
Ang ating mga hindi maayos na pag-aayos
Hindi katulad ng mga away natin
Matatagpuan sa bawat sulok at kanto ng iyong bahay.

Dinadaanan natin ang bawat isa
Suplado’t suplada ngunit para lamang naglalakad sa kalsada
Ngunit ang mga tingin
Ang mga patagong sulyapan
Kahit papaano’y may pinagsasamahan
Pinaghahatian
Minumulto tayo
Pinagtataksilan tayo
Pinapagod tayo
Madali tayong nahahalata.

sashaninel May 2006

The Eternal Flaw

Let’s just say that I’m tired. I’m tired of all the wrongs and the occasional rights that I have done and will continue to do. I just want to stop. Halt and rust until time forgets all about me. I just wanted to end whatever life is breathing, beating in this dung heap flesh held together by a tattered and worn out soul. How I yearn for a car crash, an accident that does not want to be rescued, jammed traffic intersections where I can just lay still, go deaf and oblivious.

Have you been at the edge of the roof? The eternal flaw is so profound that it is impossible to fix it. You are left with nothing genuine, nothing true except the feeling of being alone and empty. It is always raining in my mind. And I am flooding this barrenness in me. The dam I built a long time ago now stands in ruin, proud no more. The craving of deliverance is unsatisfied, unfulfilled. Dearth of everything I miss. My seasons are leaving without any particular reason. My demons I try to exorcise in a ritual of sincerity and mendaciousness. However, they come back. I know they’ll come back. They always do. How I wish I could talk to an angel and tell him, tell her, tell them that I am here, there and nowhere all at the same time.

Sometimes I wish for a sunburn. Walk indiscriminately in a white shoreline and bask in the radiance that never was. I wish I could touch the horizon and see what is beyond the fixated stars that shine best when nearing death. My ever-gazing star. You shine best now.

I wanted to drown together with you because last night you were the sky and today you are the moon. But you are not there. Can I ask you where are the fireflies that make your slit eyes glow like fire in dark caverns where I hide my sorrows? I almost miss your fragile hands. I can still hear how it makes beautiful music like how a piano makes a filthy bistro the most beautiful place in this fleeting world with her melody of black and white keys.

Let’s just say its over. The start and the end are fast closing on us. Like a faded black and white film, you have seen the reruns but you still fall for it everytime. You fall into a thousand pieces. You are scattered like unmindful pieces of glass waiting to cut and slit some wrist, some vein, some drifting life. You and I are the shards of my former self.

I am tired. But I am fine.

sashaninel may182006

Emo

You asked me how certain I am that I really love you. How did I arrive at that conclusion? Is this just a fleeting obsession of a derelict poet or a yearning of a desperate and quixotic man fighting the windmills of his foolish dreams?

How can I ever measure my love for you? How can I count the times my heart throb not because of mere existence but of a dire need to touch yours? Will you ever believe? Do you think of me at all? Do I occupy even a negligible space in your occupied heart, in your pensive mind, in your indefinable time?

How certain I am that I Iove you?

I certainly love you because it is a matter of subsistence. Even the pompous embers of fire will wither without the sweet embrace of the wind. You are like the wind. Often you drag me to the uncertainty of your beautiful current, the whirlwinds of your quintessence, and the storms of your perseverance. Sometimes you simply blow my reasons away, the things all I have ever cherished in my shriveled life, leaving me only with the pedestal of your lucidity, so transparent like clairvoyance, so beautiful that the blind can see.

I love you because I am the keeper of your recollections. I wear them like a bright shining armor for everyone to see. Such exquisiteness does not belong to the forgotten graves of a remote desolateness. Each day I celebrate you like how a kid celebrates his seventh birthday. I treasure your smile like how Da Vinci valued Mona Liza’s glorious beam. Utterly effortless, complete poetry.

I wear your scent, fragrance of a thousand elusive butterflies. You are perfume, aroma of January rains and humid nights. They deny me of anything else. You satisfy my soul.

Your scent? They seemed indelible, not bound by time. Your satisfying air I consume when you breathe heavily, when you laugh effortlessly, when you sigh whenever our lips do the talking. You triumph over flowers from the most sacred brooks; you are the reason why the air searches for you, trying to reach you, begging you to give her back her once celebrated whiff, her fragrance. But you breathe in unreserved ecstasy. You are my sweet life itself. Without you is like me running out of air to breathe.

I definitely love you… love you without expectations, hope and redemption. I will love you even if it means my demise, my downright ruin, my eventual negation. For what is the promise of deliverance if it is severed from your soul? What is the purpose of existence if the reason for my heart’s beating cannot be found, lost in the tragic coincidence of life like the luck of definite accidents and fate?

Love cannot deepen without risk. And I am here terribly risking, demanding the impossible, comprehending the surest ambiguity, understanding you, even if you are heaven itself, I will bear you close to me. Risk, yes risk. Risk almost everything; throw away the comfort of retreat, the temptation to recoil.

And yes in the end, love you, love you and love you….maybe not in a way most conventional people would expect a man to be, but nonetheless love you with all I’ve got, with all I can be able to, with all the changes in me. I love you and even time, space, coincidence and fate greatly understands, for this woman each time I see I fall in love more.

Tell me who fool will not risk?

sashaninel

March 18, 2005

Sashaninel

Who am I? Am I a mere speck, a passing thought in your evading recollection or am I the progeny of coincidence clumsily playing tricks on us? Am I a disciple of enlightened eccentricity or the unbending conclusion of fate and destiny?

Who are you? Who are you that keep on haunting me even in my sleep? You who take away the comfort of my drowsiness? You who ruminates my mind of dreams untold, thoughts discovered and lines unexpressed? Are you lucid profundity expressed in beautiful simplicity or the depths of my raging seas unfathomable in serenity?

Almost all the answers escape me leaving me shackled in this mysterious chain of events relieved by your presence, touch, smile and laughter. You move me in ways even miracles will envy. You shine on me like a thousand sunsets infinitely fixed in the horizon. You caught me defenseless, unaware, and yielding to your ceaseless radiance.

You said you wanted to know me more. I can offer nothing except the earnestness of my feelings for you; the collective aspirations of our people reflected in my imaginings and yes, my shriveled self against the backdrop of your beauty and lyrical grace.

I do not desire to make promises and make you wait in alacrity. People are remembered in words but are immortalized in dauntless actions of sincerity. I need you beyond words, deeds and time combined. I want you. Without you is worse than deprivation. Without you, life is completely incomplete.

March 18, 2005