Ruins

By Emmanuel Hizon

Don’t talk to me anymore. Don’t utter nice words to me.
Don’t greet me with your beautiful smile. Do not even patronize me.
Don’t be so pleasant when I see you. Don’t try to be civil with me.
Don’t try to have a short chat with me. Don’t even try asking me how I am doing these days.
Don’t be too kind and concerned. Don’t look at me with your unyielding stares. Don’t thank me for anything. Don’t be a friend.
Just be on your on way. Just be on your way.

Instead, I want you to throw me your dagger glances that will cut me to pieces.
I want you to dismiss me without relent and mercy.
I want you to utter awful words that will stab my heart repeatedly like how a serial killer will.
Remind me how I almost wrecked your life.
Tell me that I am incapable of change or of having second chances.

I want you to be a full-time snob, an unmindful person,
Become my most distinguished radical stranger by the day.
Hate me again and again, despise me, and mock me if you will until I’m convinced with the feeling.
Be harsh and insensitive. Push me to the wall, make me feel that I’m a worthless piece of shit, the loser of all losers hitting rock bottom.
Let me scrap my own empty barrel; make me realize that I’m a negligible piece of dirt that must be kicked without remorse.

Do all these things…

Because each time you talk to me, I get rapt in your melodious voice and fragrant sighs.
Each time you utter nice words to me, hope, the deep-seated optimist will once again tap my back and let me charge the unconquerable windmills.
Because each time you smile, my wall of defenses I’ve worked so hard to build simply crumble into pieces. And I am tired of building it over and over again.
I’m tired of the ruins. I’m tired of sleepless nights thinking of you.
I am tired of writing every song and poem about you.

So, be callous, uncaring, cruel, numb, indifferent, cold and distant.
Obliterate me,
smash me to pieces,
beat the senses out of me and leave me for dead.
Show me no compassion, no understanding.
Obliterate me
Reduce me to nothing.



February 26, 2007